I had the most horrible dream last night. I am sick (and if you are anything like me, you have the WORST dreams when you are sick).
It started by me forgetting names of dear friends. I was so panicked! Then I realized that everything was going backwards. I was walking backwards. LIVING backwards! Reliving my life, only in reverse now. And it was happening fast. Then I realized that the end was near and Jesus was returning. I woke up so scared.
I have been reading through James lately (Making Home is going through this book this month) and realized that it is very easy to decieve ourselves when we are hearers of the Word and not doers of the Word. I knew the verse "be doers of the Word and not just hearers" but had forgotten the last part of the verse "that you will not deceive yourself." Of course, the following verses are just as important.
It really is horrifying living your life in reverse. I realized that I know what I am supposed to do, but don't always do it because selfish ambition takes precedence. I began to wonder if my doing of the Word was really doing the WORD or just what was expected in Christian circles as what was right and appropriate. It is so easy to replace God's word with what Christian friends and authors say. After all, when we have free time, do we turn to the word, or to a good book?? When we are having difficulties, do we turn to God's word or to a close friend?
Now don't get me wrong, Christian books and friends are good and needed (after all, in the book of Proverbs God did tell us to seek counsel), but we are also told to seek the Lord. We are told to ask of Him. I know myself, I am all too guilty of seeking books and friends more than I seek the Lord. It is only after a scary dream like that in the middle of the night (when I can't call anyone or read LOL!) that I really turn to God and seek Him on things.
I realized that I have been fearing way too much. Shows a trust in myself rather than in the Lord. I realized that while I am holding my children to a certain standard of loving the Lord, I am falling short. If I am not a good example, my children will see hypocrisy and think all Christians are hypocrites. I don't want my children to jump ship.
I saw a picture the other day of a father, fat and lazy sitting on the couch half undressed watching TV and drinking a soda. Trash was everywhere. His son was half dressed, sitting on the floor in the middle of the trash, soda in hand watching TV. The caption read "Like father, like son." That was VERY sobering. Do I want my daughters to be sitting in front of the computer (or TV) all day? Do I want my daughters to learn to walk over piles of clothes and books because things are not put back where they belong? Do I want my children to learn to read a book to help them be a better mother instead of getting down on the floor and BEING a mother? Do I want my children to learn to sleep in during the morning or to rise early and prepare breakfast for her family and have time with the Lord?
When my Lord Jesus comes back to call us home, I want to hear Him say "well done" with joy in his voice and not "what have you done" with a sorrowful heart. As long as I am living and breathing (although the breathing part has been difficult the past few days), there is time for me to change.