Foto Friday - Self Portrait

This was hard for me. As you can see, I have taken self portraits of myself before. But since my hair cut (I am still recovering) and the fact that I cannot take pictures of my eyes in FOCUS.... well it took some prompting from a good friend to get some more self-portatis done.

Here are two of my eyes. Since that is the area I have the most difficulty taking pictures in FOCUS on, I tried Rebecca's tips. I opened my eyes REALLY WIDE, focused the camera, then made them normal and took the snap shot. These pictures are a bit cropped, but I promise they are of JUST my eye. :)

I cannot tell which one I like better. Which one do you like and WHY? Help me learn to be better!





Of course ME?? I like the first one better because it does not show the DARK circles under my eyes. LOL!! :D I did not do any photo touch up (to make me look better), but I did work on the shadows to help the colors pop. I LOVE that I was able to capture the sky in my eyes!! WAY COOL!!!

I really like this next one. Not NEARLY as good as some of yours I have seen, but still a nice one. You can REALLY see my grey hairs in this one. Oh I am STILL recovering from a BAD hair cut!



I thought it would be fun to do a triptic (sp?) with self portrait pictures to say "i love you." So for fun:


You can of course click on it to see it bigger.

And as I was outside taking pictures of myself, my husband was inside behind the glass door dancing. So of course I had to dance along!! :D I HATE my hair in these pictures, but did this in memory of the adoration and joy I have for my husband. Please forgive the AWFUL hair! I was being au natural just being myself with my wonderful husband.



You can click on that one to make it bigger too, but why?!?! LOL!!!

I Am ... joyful

I look awfully washed out in this photo. But I am feeling REALLY sick right now, so maybe I AM that pastey white. LOL!!!

More often than not you will catch me laughing. I will admit that there are times when I look at circumstances around me instead of on things above, and that makes me cranky and moody and just a horrible person to be around. I sadly take it out on the kids and my husband.

How come it is so EASY to hurt those we love? We put on a totally different face around others. Or we just withdrawal. We use the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" when dealing with others, but with those we are closest to, we feel we have the right to be forward with them and use "honesty" as the guise by which we say mean and hurtful things.

But I am choosing to look at the positive. :D While I do have those bad and nasty times, more often than not, I am smiling, laughing, or making someone else laugh. There is SO MUCH to take JOY in: God's creation, His Son, my husband, my children, my family, my friends ... one cannot HELP but feel blessed and happy.

Why do we chose to focus on the negative? It doesn't glorify God. And it certainly does not make one feel any better.

And not only that, but what kind of example does it set to others when we are to be examples of Christ? "Well if that person is negative and putting themselves down all the time, I don't WANT to be a Christian!" Christ died to set us FREE. Why do we keep ourselves in bondage to negative thoughts rather than taking every thought captive to the obedience of Jesus?

God never said it was easy nor a one time thing. We are to renew our minds DAILY! We are bombarded with media and past teachings/images. DAILY we are to take up our cross. DAILY we are to renew our minds. EVERY thought to be in obedience. FREEDOM.

I know the times I am most happy are the times when I AM focusing on the positive. And isn't focusing on the positive the same as renewing our mind? Taking every thought captive? :D

My beloved was reading a blog that put it like this:

You and your day are on a scale. On one side are all the accomplishments you have done. Everything you have done right. Everything that went right. On the other side is everything you didn't accomplish that you feel guilty about. Everything that went wrong. And everything you messed up on.

At the end of the day, the side which has the most on it will determine how you feel about the day. If you accomplished more and had more things go right, you will feel happy and joyful. However, if you had more things go wrong and had an unproductive day, you will not feel joyful.

I have noticed that when I think back on the days recently where I felt it was a great day, I notice that is true. It wasn't perfect, but I accomplished more on those days than on days where I felt that I was a failure - days where nothing seemed to go right.

So again, I choose to renew my mind. Yes, I am a sinner. Yes, I have my (many many many) faults. But I tend to have more smiles and joy and laughter that weigh my joyful side to be stronger. :) Renewing my mind, taking thoughts captive to obedience to Jesus, not to mention DOING things (there really is something about having idle hands that drains joy!) and I am joyful. It is a mystery to me how to be joyful, how I can be joyful in God. But it is a fruit of the Spirit that we can cultivate. And I am so thankful for the lessons He has taught me. Now I pray for the strength and ability to keep them applied daily! :D

I AM ... beautiful

I cannot see myself as beautiful. I know, I know. We are all beautiful in God's eyes. But I have faults (oh so many faults), and with beauty being INSIDE, and boy can I be ugly at times on the inside, I have a hard time not seeing flaws when I look at myself. I am overweight (although with God's help I am down to 189 woohoo!). I have grey hair (although, those too are starting to darken with the herbal rinses and molasses tea). I have HUGE pores on my face (ugh) and scars from popping pimples (no one told me not to). And if my milk-makers fall any farther I will have to put shoes on them!

And yet, with all that, my husband sees me as beautiful.

And so he makes me feel beautiful. Despite all my flaws, inside and out. He knows them all (sometimes better than I know them myself). And he still finds me beautiful. And even more than that, he makes me FEEL beautiful! Crazy man. And I am CRAZY FOR HIM! :D

I worry because of my low self-image that my girls will have low self-images of themselves. If I struggle as seeing myself beautiful in God's eyes, how can I teach them to see themselves through His eyes rather than that of the world? Is there a book for that? I guess an even better question would be what verses can the girls meditate on to help them?

I don't want them to compare themselves to women in the media, or barbie dolls, or the like. And I definitely don't want them to feel they need to find their worth/beauty in a man. But I also want them to be humble. Meek and quiet. Being a parent of girls is NOT an easy thing. So much to impart to them. So little time to do it! And it is to easy to make mistakes. But God must feel that I can do a decent job or He would not have blessed us with THREE of them (so far). :D Lord help me do it right!

I Am ... Fun????

With me being a no Mom and all, I can be quite uptight at times. TOO often if you ask me.

And it saddens me. There is no joy like that of seeing your children happy. Of hearing laughter and knowing your children have joy. I don't hear it nearly as often as I would like. I really need to lighten up!!

I think to the Disney version of Pollyanna. I love how Pollyanna approached the pastor, who had was always preaching hellfire and damnation, and shared with him about joy. There are 800 texts that talk about joy, and if the Lord took care to mention it that many times, He must want us to be joyful. "The glad texts" are what her father called them.

Well, I am not quite sure how many times truly the Bible tells us to be glad or joyful, but I do know that it is a lot. And I do know that He WANTS for us to be joyful, and to enjoy Him and His creation.

For the past two days, with me working on being a yes Mom more, and working on being more joyful, I have heard my children laughing more. I see them smiling more. And I have heard them say "Mom, you make things fun." Things I heard on occasion before, are now becoming everyday sayings!

My children notice a difference in me, and it is a good thing. And I am trying. I am trying SO HARD and I fall so short so many times. It is so EASY to lose my patience, and with that goes my joy too.

I am reminded of how when my kids do something wrong, I always remind them that we are all sinners and fall short. It is EASY to do the selfish and sinful thing - we don't have to TRY to. But we do have to try to do the selfless thing and glorify God with our thoughts, words and actions. I apologize to my kids often and it seems I am always asking their forgiveness. I am so thankful they are so quick to forgive (though they do not as easily forget - but that is another subject). :D

And I notice, in working on joy, and being a yes Mom, that I am spending more time WITH my kids. They love spending time with me. And I love spending time with them. I think I sometimes get so caught up in other things, sadly, that I lose time WITH them. Oh how SHORT and precious is that time!!!

I don't like goofiness. I don't think it glorifies God. God never intended for us to be fools. But I do like being fun. Fun hats, fun noses, fun jokes... finding joy in the little mundane things. It brings a family closer. And I love it!

I Am ... A Helpmeet

My beloved has gotten back in touch with his creative side which means more pictures. :) I am so happy! You see, he is VERY much a Mr. Visionary. I tried for the longest time to make him into a Mr. Steady, and it almost killed him. He literally had no life in him. NO smile. No joy. And I could not figure out why. Until I realized that he was truly a Mr. Visionary - all that artistic and creative talent - I should have known. But we women sometimes like to smush our husbands into a box that we wish them to be in rather than allow them to be molded into the masterpiece God wants to make them.

My husband is VERY creative. And he has several outlets for that creativity: music (he plays the guitar, piano - even writing his own music, as well as playing the clarinet and is now trying to learn violin), computer programming (he can write our basic run of the mill stuff, but he can also write some WHIZ BANG programs when given the time and creative freedom to do so), writing poetry and songs, and of course there is photography.

This is me, crouched down behind the scenes with a blow dryer (boy this was a hard self-portrait to capture, I could not SEE myself and kept getting just the blow-dryer), being a supportive wife, a helpmeet to a Mr. Visionary. :) AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT! :D :D

You see, I got to help my husband be who he IS rather than what I want him to be. I got to see him smile and laugh and be full of JOY as he got to express his creative side. Sometimes it is hard. I worry that he is spending more time on his creativity than on being with us. But then he does something like including the children in the photo shoot or in helping Daddy with ideas. Or he includes me (like above) in helping him. Or he plays his songs for the kids.

OH THE JOY of helping your husband be who God created him to be!! And the joy... OH THE JOY of a husband whose wife helps him!!! Look at that childish GRIN!!! LOOK AT THAT JOY!!! :D I would not trade that for a Mr. Steady anytime - and I can't believe I ever did.

I AM ... A compute geek

I minored in Computer Science and was one of the first people in the WORLD to create a web page (back when you could actually surf the ENTIRE web in one day there were so few pages out there). I know more than the average person, but am still so thankful I am married to a computer GENIUS! LOL!! I would be LOST without my husband. :D

I feel I need to explain. The picture does NOT look very good because it was taken with the built in camera on the computer rather than a real camera. LOL!!!

The computer and internet can be so much fun. But I don't have to tell any of you how dangerous it can be. Not just with predators and such, but in STEALING TIME. It steals me away from my family. And it steals me away from time with God.

I worry about my daughters as they get older. What are they seeing NOW. They want to do everything MOMMA does. And if Momma spends too much time on the computer, then as they grow up with will want to be on the computer more and more.

What am I looking for on the computer that I cannot find right here? I mean, my husband is my BEST FRIEND. I enjoy spending time with him. And I want my children to think of me as someone they enjoy talking to, sharing with, and being together. That can only happen if I make the investment to spend time WITH them (not on the computer). I have more than enough books (good books) that can help me in whatever area I want to grow in (I have books on just about every subject imaginable). And I have the BEST book of all - the Bible - which has directions and guidance way better than anything I could get on the internet.

And for fellowship, I have women friends, whom I enjoy spending time with. And I didn't meet them on the computer. I have two Titus 2 women in my life (who are true blessings in my life).

I think back to a simpler time in life where women gathered TOGETHER, in person, over a cup of homemade lemonade or even tea or coffee. They talked and laughed and worked on handiwork (a quilt or knitting/crochet). How beautiful! I long for that. Maybe I call up some of the ladies around here and see if any are interested in something like that. :) And if nothing else, I can sit on quilts on green grass, with trees all around and work on handiwork with my girls. :D If they would be still enough for long enough. LOL!! :D

I AM ... A book lover/collector/reader

I cannot get enough of BOOKS!! My poor husband! Our house is overflowing with books. I just do not have enough bookshelves for all the BOOKS I have (nor do I have the time to READ all the books, but that does not stop me from collecting them). *hint hint honey, PLEASE build me that library bookcase you and I talked about when we first moved into the house hint hint*

This is the chair I got at a garage sale for only $18 when they were wanting $30. This chair was MADE for me! LOL!! I love to sit in it. And I LOVE to read. I will admit that I really do not like to waste my time on fictional books. I rarely read them anymore. But this one, Stepping Heavenward by Elisabeth Printess, is WONDERFUL! It is the diary of a young girl who just turned 16. And it travels with her through her life, marriage, kids (and that is as far as I have read). It encourages me in my walk with the Lord. THOSE are the kind of fictional books I like to read. Books that make a better person BECAUSE I read them.

And I have NOT found many books that are fictional that have that outcome (if you know of any PLEASE let me know!).

So most of the books I read are non-fiction. How to be a better wife... a better mother .. take better pictures... homeschool the kids.. raise Godly kids... well YOU get the idea. :)

But in all that reading, it does me no good without application. I realized that long ago, but tend to need REMINDERS every now and then. To be DOERS of the word, not just hearers.

George Muller decided early on in his walk with the Lord that he needed to stop reading books about the Bible and JUST read the Bible. There really is everything in there for us. And yet, I find little time to read it. But I can find plenty of time to read a book about the Bible (or specifically about a certain TOPIC within the Bible - like parenting, being a helpmeet, etc.). Is that because the Bible is difficult to understand?

I was listening to a local radio station the other day. He was talking about how he and his now wife used to live apart when they were dating/engaged. And by apart, I mean states apart. So they would write to each other. Every day he would get a letter, he looked forward to getting the letter, and would be standing at the mailbox when the mailman arrived. When we was reading her letters, he didn't need to look up words in the Greek or Hebrew dictionary. He KNEW what she meant. And none of it bored him. He loved hearing about her Aunt and cousin second removed. He loved all the begots. He loved every word of her letter, no matter what she said.

God's word is a love letter to US. To ME. To my children. We should love the begots. We should look forward to reading it with the same anticipation we look forward to reading a love letter from our spouse. We ... **I** need to fall in love with my Savior again. And savor His words ... His love for me. And I need to be a doer of the word and not just a hearer.

I AM .. a NO Mom

I think I have blogged about this before, but am unsure.

I am a no mom. Born and raised by a no mom (whose mom was also prolly a no mom).

You know the kind of mom, who says no to most anything and everything her kids ask her to do. And WHHHHHHYYYYYY does she say no? Well I cannot speak for other moms, but I know why I say no more often than not. More than likely it is because I am lazy. I don't want to have to clean up a big mess. Or I worry about something being being broken (when honestly, broken things are the BEST to let the kids tinker with and learn from - I know many a friend who has had her broken things start miraculously working after her kids tinkered with it).

So today I worked on being a yes mom. I had to remind myself quite a bit. But I did it. I said YES to more things than I said no to. In fact, I think I only said no twice, and then it was a wait until after Mommy gets back from the doctor thing because I had to leave. :D

And I wish I had taken a picture of the SHOCK on my daughters face when she asked me if *I* could do something and I told her *she* could do it. That brought her SO MUCH JOY!

Imagine all the joy I have robbed my kids of because I have been a no mom for too long. :(

And it is not that difficult to say yes! And it is not that time consuming. Usually they are more than HAPPY to clean up after themselves, especially when they are given the blessing of doing what they asked. The stuff they are asking to do requires so LITTLE of me (as in I do not have to make phone calls and arrangements for things to happen nor do I have to drive them from here to there and everywhere).

And the joy ... did I mention the JOY!! The squeals of delight as MM helped with dinner. When did I stop letting them HELP me so much? The shock on AA's face when I let her plant the seeds for lavender and decide where to place the pot for them to grow. The smiles when I told the girls they COULD open up and play with whatever was in those free bags I got from the homeschool fair. The laughter when they all ran outside to play after Mommy said YES.

I like this being a yes mom. I was a yes mom today. And it felt GOOD! Today (even with the illness and JJ backsliding with his allergies and such) was a GREAT day!

I pray that the Lord will help me to be a yes mom more more often than a no mom. And I pray that my children will become yes moms (and a dad) when they grow up.

I AM ... a crocheter

Is that even a word? LOL!! I have been sick the past few days so no 365 pics. And I am not doing Sundays. So on we go!

It is PRETTY HARD to take a picture of yourself crocheting. ESPECIALLY WITHOUT a tripod! :D But I thought the picture came out OK.

I taught myself to crochet about a year and half ago and have LOVED it! I had read to teach children crocheting first because it is basically just glorified knots and knitting was more difficult. I am SO GLAD I listened.

I have tried both knitting and crocheting and definitely prefer crochet. I don't know how anyone can knit. Although my oldest, AA, knits and does a pretty good job! (Of course it is just the basic because that is all I know how to do at the moment.)

I feel that crocheting is the only time I am really creative. Of course I am just following a pattern... but I MADE something. Something from just a ball of yarn. Right now I am working on thermal preemie blankets for my half-sister. She is pregnant for the first time and pregnant with triplets none the less! :D I am SOOOO happy for her and her husband! They have been trying for a baby for a LOOOONG time. IF you think about them, please pray for her. Even my girls realize that being pregnant with THREE babies at once can be trying. :D

So I get some creative burst with crocheting. If you do not know how to knit or crochet, I can honestly say that learning to crochet has been one of the BEST things! I can do it in the car (or just about anywhere), and the feeling of accomplishment when I finish something makes me feel really good. :D Try it! There are TONS of FREE videos (you know how I LOVE free!) on you tube which show you how to crochet. Find one that you can understand and relate to and learn from. You will not regret it!! And if for some reason you just can _ not _ get _ it _ then you might try knitting. :D

I AM ... Pretty???

OK, so this morning, while still in my nightgown, I go into the room to check on AA (who is sick) and she says "Oh Momma! You look so beautiful! I have never seen you look so beautiful before, except on your wedding day!" (Which of course my wedding pictures are all that she has seen and I paid a lot of money to look pretty on my wedding day!)

SO I took a picture of what she saw:

I took a picture of the part of my body I hate the most - my tummy and thighs. I am WAY overweight. Of course even though the camera is supposed to add ten pounds, those modeling classes my momma put me in when I was younger paid off! I know how to stand for pictures to make myself LOOK thinner than I really am! LOL!!!

But I had to think about it. I hate my body. I am constantly feeling fat and ugly. You would think that would be enough motivation for me to lose some weight, but it isn't. I was skinny in high school and still no boys ever asked me out. And when I threw myself at them (not being a Christian at the time and totally believing that in order for me to be truly loved I had to be loved by a man), I was told I was too nice.

Of course in hindsight, I know God was protecting me big time. I am now happily married to a most WONDERFUL man - we were both virgins when we married which is a HUGE blessing to have. And I do not think my life would be where it is now had I dated even one of those guys in high school or college. Brian was my first everything. Boyfriend, kiss, engagement, marriage and lover. And he is my best friend too.

But that is off subject (but what wife does not like to brag on how wonderful her husband is?). I had to think about it. I have this HORRIBLE self image of myself. Yet my children see me differently. They see beauty where others find fault.

When do we lose that? What makes us start focusing on the negative rather than the positive? I can put my girls in a pretty dress and their hair can be a total rat's nest and they think they are beautiful and each other are beautiful. I see a rat's nest and negative looks and comments from others.

...whatever is lovely...think on these things.

So what made me lose the focus on the beautiful and lovely in this world? Was it that I spent too much time on the negative? What about all those self esteem boosters that they give you in the public school? I have a horrible self esteem! Even in Jesus.... hmmm... maybe that is what it is. I am looking at things through the world's eyes rather than His.

Maybe that is why we are told to think on true and lovely things. It is a way of God teaching us to see through His eyes rather than our own.

I have to remember that I am beautiful in God's eyes. He made me. And He loves me unconditionally.

I Am ... A Learner

SO continuing in the 365 Days of Self Protriats, I am starting out with an I AM series. I will see how far I can go. Yesterday was "I am a Mom." Today is....

I Am A Learner

What mom won't recognize this pose? The one where the child holds up their work and smiles really big? :)

I chose this pose because this is ALWAYS how my children post for pictures of their work. Sometimes they hold it under their face, but always holding it with a GREAT big smile (so proud of their work).

I am a homeschooling mom. And most homeschooling moms I know LOVE to learn! So the other day at a local homeschool co-op I took my hand to learning to watercolor paint still life (along with my kids). This is my first attempt. A blue vase with red carnations. Not my best work, but HEY it was the first time I have EVER done anything like this!

And yes, I love hats! :D Spring/Summer (and Autumn if I can get away with it), I wear my hats! :D

The great thing about being a learner and always learning is that it instills a love of learning in my children. I have my nose in a book just about as much as much oldest daughter does! :D And whenever we goto garage sales or thrift stores, the first place my children (and I) want to goto is the books. Even little JJ (now 3) begs for books and takes extreme pleasure in his bed storytime with Daddy.

The bad thing about books is that you can get so wrapped up in them that you forget to experience life. I will read and read and READ about all the things I want to do (like gardening, being a better keeper at home, etc.) but unless I stop READING and actually DO them, what good does it do me? What good is reading the Word of God if we do not apply it to our daily lives?!?! What books have my kids seen me read, and then not follow through with what I have learned? And are they learning to do the same?

What was great about me doing a watercolor WITH my kids was that they aw Mommy step (waaaaay) out of her comfort zone and DO something. I want my kids to be doers and not just hearers.

I wanna be a YES mom. Too many times growing up, whenever I asked to do something, the answer was either "NO!" or "later" - but later rarely came around. I need to work on saying YES more. So today, in addition to trusting God (and I guess this too is a part of that), I will work on being a yes mom. We will be DOING a lot more in the is house. Not just reading about it.

365 Days of Me

Inspired by my husband, I am doing a 365 Days of Self Portraits. I do NOT like pictures of myself. But I thought it would be fun to do this as part of journaling.

I started out trying to take a picture of myself, and little MM, she ALWAYS is by my side. So of course she ended up in most of the tries at a good picture of me (or at least something someway decent).

I loved how it came out. I love how she loves me. And it shows who I am - a mom (I am other things as well and those will be future pictures). I take joy in my children!

Those wrinkles - I like to call them smile wrinkles because that is how I got all those wrinkles. I also look so much older than I am. :(

I know a lot of that is poor eating habits for SO LONG in my life. But I also think some of that is the fact that I worry WAY too much. I do not put enough trust in the Lord. It is no wonder that my children are not walking in faith like I wish they were. I am not setting the best example.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways and He will direct your paths." I have such a HARD time trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding. I have a lot of "knowledge" (though admittedly I know very little) - but that is secular humanism rather than Biblical truth. I go based on what I feel rather than what I know the Bible says. And when I feel the Lord's leadings, sometimes I go the opposite (selfish) direction.

I need to be better if I want my children to be better. I want them to be BETTER than me. OH how I have a pet peeve about parents who say "I hope you ..... when you grow up" and that something is always what you are putting them through. I hope my children are so well trained in the fear and admonition of the Lord that they are better parents than I am and therefore their kids will be better kids than they were/are. Each generation becoming BETTER than the previous.

SO maybe, like in The Love Dare, where you do one thing at a time, but continue to do that thing each day... so maybe today, whenever I have a choice, I will pray first rather than going with what I feel. And when I am afraid of the consequences of an action, I will trust in God for the outcome, especially if I am doing His will (rather than my own).