Life and Death

Thank you again to all of you who have prayed (and continue to pray). It has been a fun adjustment being home alone with JJ. I miss the noise from my girls. I miss their giggles and just every day talking and sharing.

JJ is doing OK. He did not eat hardly at all on Wednesday, ate just a bit more on Thursday, but not nearly what he should, and so far today he is making up for the past two days! LOL! He is sick (runny nose - greenish yellow) and might have a cold. I too am sick. Migraine (which I usually never have), sore throat, whole body aches... And I found out this morning that AA feels the same. They should be leaving TX soon, so please pray for a safe trip for them, for no one to be sick, and for AA to feel better soon.

When a baby is born, they all come with something. It is called a birth certificate. But I think a more appropriate term is a death certificate. What woman can continue to be focused on her self when she has a new little baby to care for? And the care never stops. For a mom never stops caring.

It amazes me how some people/friends (all here in person, no one over the computer yet) have commented that they could not have gone through what I went through with baby JJ. Staying in the hospital and not getting any fresh air. Being with him every moment. Sleeping in a most uncomfortable chair with him on me. I cannot understand how a mom could NOT do those things. When you become a mom, you learn to die to yourself. We are called to do this anyway, but there is something about giving birth to your own child that speeds up that process. ;)

I stayed in the hospital, being with him every moment, because JJ needed me. I wanted to make sure that he got the right meds at the right time (you would be amazed with how many different nurses you have to care for your child who don't always read or understand what was written about the care of your child - but the mom who stays and hears what the doctors say KNOWS). I cannot tell you how many times I prevented an overdose or the wrong meds or helped prevent another unnecessary blood draw on a baby who has been pricked and poked more times in one month than should ever be needed in a lifetime. And even though the nurses are nice, and there is a play room (only open when there was a volunteer - which is NOT as often as you would think or like when you are STUCK in the hospital), it is still a very scary and stressful environment for a child of ANY age, much less a baby of seventeen months.

I slept in the uncomfy chair because I was thankful for anything to be able to sleep on to be close to JJ. And the reason he slept on me was so I could know the second anything went wrong. If he stopped breathing...if he tried to pull out his feeding tube (which thankfully I caught very quickly - he is a good boy and did NOT try to pull it out ever, BUT he did rub his nose and his finger got caught inside - he was asleep on me when it happened and if I had not caught it, it would have meant pulling that tube and putting in another one along with x-rays to make sure it was in his guy in the right place)...if anything were to go wrong. And the way JJ held on to me, hugging me so close throughout the night, reassured me that I was doing what was right for him - what JJ needed.

And I find it frustrating at how easily I can die to myself for my kids (especially when life and death are involved), but have trouble dying to self for others. Or for the Lord (Lord, why can't I spend more time scrapbooking or reading blogs? I can read Your Word later. - which of course I usually forget to do when I spend so much time scrapping or reading blogs). And yes, sometimes even for the kids when they are all healthy and doing really well (why can't I finish reading this book in peace?). LOL! I am sure we have all been there. Something for the Lord to continue to work on me I guess.

Hello, my name is Paula and I am a work of God in progress.

I hope I have not discouraged anyone from the wonderful blessing of being a mother. But I know that it has really helped me to realize the JOY in dying to self as a mother of my children - how much closer I am knitted to my children and the Lord as a result. Am I tired, yes. Exhausted. Is my body sore, yes. Would I do it all over again, in a heartbeat! (But I hope that I never have to again - healthy children from now on OK Lord?) :D