Oh how I love my man!! (BTW - just some encouragement to check out DANDELIONSEEDS blog for great ideas on loving your man - FRIEND link on right hand side).Secondly, I just wanted to share some thoughts I have after reading the first few chapters of the book HomeGrown Kids by the Moores.
This is a book I wish I had read before I had my first child. Even though we planned on homeschooling LONG before I ever got pregnant, this book has wonderful advice that starts from pre-conception and goes through the first nine years! It is book not just for homeschoolers, but for all mothers.
I find it interesting that he talks about how discouraged many women can get about having children. He says that women want children, but when they see a mother struggling or hears a mother complaining about motherhood, they get the wrong idea. A lot of women (and men) get the idea that children are a burden rather than a blessing and a JOY!
And most of that is because most people are unwilling to make the self-sacrifices that it takes to raise well-mannered, well-behaved and well-adjusted children. The children must come first.
Now you might think that this goes against what I was taught (and most of you were prolly too) when I first became a Christian about how God is first and your husband is second and children are third. But it doesn't. God still comes first, and your husband should still be second. But sometimes the children get pushed so far into third, that the mother becomes wedged inbetween husband and children. You may know it as "me time."
Susan Bradrick has a wonderful quote based on Scripture (which I cannot find at the time) "His work for His glory not our work for our pleasure." I cannot say it any better than that.
And I am sad to say that I see too many marriages where the husband is placed so far in front of the children, that the children suffer. They grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. While it is important to keep your marriage strong and show your love for each other in front of the children, there is something equally important that sometimes gets forgotten.
A lot of couples put so much into their marriage with the thinking that soon the children will be gone and it will just be us. But has it been forgotten that while those children are with us that it is OUR responsibilty to raise them, train them, teach them, LOVE them?? And not just to be independant so that one day they can be out of our house and hair (which is the feeling they get when pushed so far into third place), but to be less dependant on us and more dependant on God. More of Him and less of me. Not just in my life, but in the life of my children as well.
And the thought that soon they will be gone and it will just be us is just wrong. Children are told to honor their mother and father (that has no age limit and continues long after the child has moved out and gotten married). And my husband and I have recently started looking into verses that talk about how the children should care for their parents when their parents are no longer able to care for themselves.
Our children are our legacy and will ALWAYS be a part of our lives. If we place them on the back burner, they will feel unloved and unwanted and possibly get a warped view of who and how God is.
**UPDATED - Clarification:
YES! There does need to be a balance. And I do advocate a date night once a week (if you are not able to get out of the house, then at least have some alone time in your house - put the kids to bed early and have a romantic dinner and snuggle in front of the fireplace). Read the book Romancing Your Husband for some great ideas!
I came from a family where the kids were put first (above the husband) and I see the sad effect it has had on my parents marriage. They are roommates instead of lovers. And they do not smile very often. I feel sad sometimes when I see them.
My husband came from the type of family where so much emphasis was placed on the husband and wife (and the thought that the kids will be gone and it will just be us) that he really did feel neglected. I won't go into a lot of details, but the relationship with his parents is not good, he has difficulty accepting God for who He truly is (and not what he thinks God is), and has difficulties in other areas of life - which can be traced back to his treatment at home.
Yes, PLEASE don't put the kids first so that you do lose touch with your husband. I have seen too many marriages end up in divorce or a roommate type relationship because they do place so much value on the children. BUT don't place the children so far behind that they begin to pull away from you and feel unloved and unwanted.
My husband and I are very lovey and touchy in front of the children. We are always expressing our love for one another in front of them (in appropriate ways of course... holding hands, a gentle loving touch, a short kiss, playful playing). And the children know that we value each other highly and love each other deeply. We have alone time every night and the children know that Mommy and Daddy have alone time. If children do not see that their parent's marriage is strong, then they feel insecure (I always worried, and still worry about my parents getting divorced). And they will have a difficult time in their own marriages.
BUT, I see so many marriages going so far in the opposite direction (realizing that their marriage is suffering because they have put the children above their spouse) that they do push the children on the back burner (as in the case of my husband). My husband would cry and beg and act out for attention and his parents response was always "you are only here for a little while and then will be gone and it will just be your Daddy and me." He kept a lot of things from his parents and moved out as soon as was possible.
The point of my previous post was to warn of the dangers of putting too much emphasis on the marriage and not making the self-sacrifices needed in raising children. Not to put the children above your husband. I hope that this clarifies some things. And I SO APPRECIATE those of you who have commented or emailed!!! I did not realize I was coming across the way I was.
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